you wanna do what.

Me and Kaden were at a meeting with our boss (we work at the same place). I was like “How do you look at The Big Picture? Do you have any tips on looking at The Big Picture? What IS The Big Picture? Is it looking into time or is it conceptualizing space?”

Neither Kaden nor our boss would tell me. They said I had to figure it out for myself. Jerks.

Yesterday I started wondering what God is and I figure they wouldn’t tell me that if I asked, either.

I have a lot of thoughts/inquiries about the nature of being a fan/preoccupation with a person you essentially make up. I mean my idea of so and so (I guess anyone reading this probably knows who) is MINE, it is not his reality at all, although the internet allows me to have an unreasonable amount of information about his thoughts and intentions, at the time when he gave certain interviews. And it’s fascinating, to me, the phases of hero worship, the things you try to make yourself feel or not feel. But he is also a part of MY “real life;” I send him my healing energy during kundalini yoga, man. And it’s also convenient that my husband loves him as much as I do, so neither one of us has to feel weird or listen to his prolific musical output in secret. Right now, this week, we are living together in Logos.

I came home from yoga and Kaden was playing Logos and Attic Lights was on and he had made granola and also buckwheat groats to add to leftover soup. He was walking out the door. I made my food and I sat and I read two books in tandem (The Meat and Spirit Plan and the secret book) and I ate my soup with a glass of warm water and cider vinegar (“because you’re a hippie”) and it took the entire rotation of Logos (Attic Lights to Attic Lights). Kaden came back right before Attic Lights came on again. And then we listened to it again.

Last night I was cleaning out the hall closet and I found an old digital camera with dirty pictures of me Kaden took 2006. They were pretty cute! I had long black hair and bigger boobs and I had a huge pin-up style smile in most of them. There were other, just, like, self portraits and Kaden kept saying, incredulous, “You look so young!” It was almost exactly 6 years ago, so I had just turned 23.

I don’t have a cord to that camera any more, but later in the evening I went to Walgreens with 5 rolls of film that I also found in the hall closet (I had a box labeled “Cameras and Film”), and I noticed that you can put that size memory card in their computers, so I’ll prob go do that one of these rainy evenings.